What you gonna spend your free life on?

Curiosity finally got the best of me and I just had to have a peek at the chia cake. To my chagrin, there wasn't a spot of mold on it anywhere; it even smelled as lemony fresh as the day I drizzled icing on it. Which had to be back in, like, February. What is that! I know I should be delighted to find I haven't been sharing my kitchen with a cake-shaped potted plant, but it was such a let down. I think on some barely subconscious level I was really hoping the whole cake carrier would grow legs and skitter around the floor like an angry hermit crab, and every time it geetered too close to me I'd swing a chair at it and yell "Back! Back, you fiend! Hyah!" and it would keep me trapped on the counter top for hours until I finally managed to trick it into the oven, killing it (ironically!) in its very birthplace. All this with a soundtrack by Rush. Or if Rush isn't available, just "Eye of the Tiger" over and over again.

I guess this is what happens when you grow up having your imagination fed on a steady diet of Jonny Quest and Faerie Tale Theatre.

If a cake turns into a monster crab and tries to kill you, do you think you get a book deal? I think you should get a book deal. I would read that book. If Augusten Burroughs hasn't already written it, anyway.