When you take one step and miss the whole first rung

This is a story about Poop And Pee. You can read along with me in your book. You will know it is time to turn the page when you hear the chimes ring like this: BONNNNG

Let's begin.

Once upon a time about a week ago, some fascinatingly creative customer pooped in the book department at work. But not on the floor, oh no. On a shelf.

BONNNNG

Once upon a time about last Thursday, one of our donation attendants got fired so I had to stand in and do her job for about four hours. One of the OSD jobs is spot cleanup, as in, say, somebody pooping on a bookshelf or peeing on a pile of children's clothing. They also tie up balloons to make the store look drearily festive. As I stalked around the store with a fistful of balloons, I passed Ashley at the register and grumbled that there damn well better not be anybody misappropriating the fitting rooms to relieve themselves until DJ came in to take over as OSD. I punctuated the sentence with a disdainful sniff and froze in my tracks, Ashley's horrified face a mirror of my own. The unmistakable scent of raw, angry feces had descended on the store like a transparent fog. I steeled myself to run at the first sign of somebody trying to hand me a mop.

Fortunately it was just some hobo who'd crapped his pants trying to force his way into the store past Christina, who was bravely blocking the entrance. When I say "crapped his pants" I mean "crapped in his pants enough that people at the back of a store the size of a warehouse could smell this guy and he didn't even make it past the door." He tried to come back an hour later so we called the police, but even the police didn't want him, they just slowly chased him away in their squad cars. I can't really blame them. Poopman was bad enough to smell him through the store windows. He would've been lethal in a confined space like a squad car.

BONNNNNG

...hundreds and hundreds of angry bees!

BONNNNNNG

Once upon a time yesterday somebody peed in the fitting rooms WHILE I WAS STANDING FIVE FEET AWAY

BONNNNNG

Once upon a time today I was ringing through an older lady with a slightly vacant expression who grinned at me with her three remaining teeth and peed her pants as I was bagging her purchases. RIGHT THEN. PEED HER PANTS. RIGHT. THEN.

BONNNNG

And they all lived crappily ever after.