If you want a place in the history books

So the default channel in the break room really likes to play weight loss commercials over and over again. After watching one commercial, a rapid montage of ecstatic people declaring the insane amounts of weight they had lost, about five or six times, I started thinking. You lose, say, 35 pounds on such-and-such diet, that's like losing a fat toddler. I decided then that if I ever lost an insane amount of weight I would measure it in terms of toddlers. But then it occurred to me that this isn't quite accurate, since you are losing the weight of a toddler but not the shape, you know? I mean, it's not like you had a toddler firmly grappling your midsection and you slapped its hands until it fell off, you know? That toddler was pretty evenly distributed. And the only way I can think of to evenly distribute a toddler is to puree it first. So it would be more realistic to say you lost 35 pounds of Cream of Toddler, not merely a toddler.

"I lost the equivilent of 3.5 pureed toddlers on the Kickinrad Diet!"

Aren't you glad we've taken this little stroll through my head.